Welcome to Bartleby Jones EyeWhere! We know – after paying Meta good money to find out – that on average you only click through five out of eight Instagram ads, so we appreciate your attention and promise to make your visit at least as rewarding as scrolling through those photos. from your sorority sister’s Labraschnoodle or the purchase of the industry-disrupting pizza oven, which is collecting dust in your kitchen. (We see it every time you start up your Oculus.)
So, are you ready to take your Spex Appeal™ to the next level? Follow these four easy steps and you’ll have new glasses in no time!*
†Due to supply chain issues and child labor shortages, the actual delivery time is now five to seventy business days†
1. Choose your frames! “Try” options by downloading our proprietary AR Framr app (a Snapchat filter we bought from our babysitter, who studies computer science at WashU). Once you’ve found a pair that gives you flashbacks to the time you were bullied in seventh grade, select one of our exciting color options, such as tortoiseshell, tortoiseshell shell, or the former San Antonio Spurs logo (the only licensing deal we could Pay).
2. Ask your mother for Dr. Herschbaum. Do you remember him – the last optometrist (ophthalmologist? ENT?) you saw right before your driving test? Oh, you don’t live in New Jersey anymore? Then wear something cute to the nearest LensCrafters and convince the man behind the counter to update your recipe for free, as a special favor, just this once. Then take a picture of your ‘scrip’ and text it to us, along with your social security number and blood type.
3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET TO SEND US YOUR PUPILLARY DISTANCE† No, that’s not part of the vision test – duh. it’s something different and even more important† We need to know how far apart your eyes are, okay? It’s super easy to measure. Just put a finger on each eyeball, hold your hand in that exact position as you lower it onto a ruler and tell us what it says. Five centimeters? Sure, that sounds good – if you’re cosplaying like a nerdy hammerhead! Seriously, it’s not that hard. Try again. Two and a half centimeters? Sure, close enough.
4. Ready to pay? Comfortable! As you know, all our frames here at Bartleby Jones Eye Where are only $99! Let’s take a quick look at a few add-on options, and then you’re all set.
-Lenses (+$50**)
prescription lenses (+$99**)
-Precise prescription lenses (+$149**)
-Progressive lenses (+$149**)
-Medium lenses (+$49**)
-Democrat-in-name-only lenses (+$79**)
– Thin lenses (+ $199**)
-Ultra-thin lenses (+$249**)
– Wafer-thin lenses (+$399**)
-Scratch resistant coating (+$199**)
-Furproof filming (+$249**)
-Stain resistant scratches (+ $199**)
-Anti-reflective (+$399**)
-Anti Flair (+$299**)
-Anti-Cher (+$49**)
-Groucho Marx nose, mustache and eyebrow attachment ($99**)
– Shipping ($24, or free with five or more pairs!)
– Handling ($48)
-Taxes (fifty-two percent – sorry, our head office is in the Netherlands)
†per eye†
Good news! If the total amount owed for your $99 frames is over $1,500, you can pay in ten weekly installments, or you can simply withdraw the cost into your monthly student loan bill.
Thanks for shopping at Bartleby Jones!